I'm not even sure what I want to put in here yet. My friends are really good at journaling, but I have really no idea what I want to say yet. Most of my thoughts would be gone by the time I get to the keyboard.

Am I doing this right? Is there even a "right" way to do this?

I think for me, the right way to journal would be to write mindlessly and not come back to read it again. I know-- kind of pointless, right? I go to all this work (well. not really, I used a template) to make the site look nice, bringing my little blinkies over and getting all the other sites linked and stuff, and I don't even want to look at it. I'll just be looking at the coding screen most of the time, staring at black and yellow and red between two little "p" brackets that denote where my paragraphs start and end.

Huh. I've barely even sat down, and I've already wrote more than I expected. This is... kinda nice?

I don't have to worry about anyone seeing it, and I way prefer typing to writing anyways; way faster, and with how fast my train of thought goes, I would only get frustrated and lag behind if I was writing in pencil. Even now my thoughts are too fast. I'm pretty sure I've missed at least three so far.

I'm afraid to hit save and see how this has formatted in case I lose my momentum. Funny how that works.

Uh, right now I'm listening to my "heavy beats to worldbuild to" playlist. I've been listening to "fic-writing bops" for the past few days, but it's getting kinda late right now so I wanted something a bit more chill. Speaking of fic-writing bops, I really want to tackle another longfic again. I just don't know what I want to write it about. I've got a few ideas-- I know I had that one sort of modern fantasy one (the one with the fae garden? Night-Blooming Jasmine?) but it feels a little too slow for what I usually like writing. Mist wants me to write a "Duke of the North" spin on it, which could be fun, but I would probably also feel like I was stuck into a certain style of writing. Idk. I do want to do something fantasy-esque, though (btw, "Sunshine" by the Unlikely Candidates is really good), because... it's my favorite genre, duh. I get to mess around and do whatever I want. Maybe something darker? A Mile Out and Down was pretty lighthearted, and I kind of want to mess around more with genuine blood and injury. I didn't get enough of that last time. Is it bad that I like that? I mean, of course it's not-- it's a fanfic trope, and it's not like I'm going out andm maiming random people.

Speaking of things I learned from fanfic, I found out that monsterfucking as a trope actually kind of fucks (heh heh). I dunno! It's something about how you have to be a bit of a freak to write it, and also the whole "loving the beast when no one else will" thing... I genuinely thought it was weird for a while, but then I read that One Specific Fic (you know the one) and was like oh huh. This is... good. It's like that one post I saw-- "everyone's fucking but nobody's horny"? Yeah. I think that's why I was so adverse to porn in fic before. Like, it was good, but it all felt the same. Something about monsterfucking is kind of... I dunno. It's like... like.. it's... it's the way you have to, like, not care at all about what people are going to think of you. If you're writing monsterfucking, you're basically catering to nobody but yourself. I respect that. And also, it goes hard (heh heh), so sign me up.

Unfortunately, the ships I like don't have too much of it. Sad. I'm gonna have to branch out. Maybe. I haven't been super into reading fic recently.

I really want to watch Everything Everywhere All at Once, though. Maybe I'll pull it up and watch it on the side while I'm shiny hunting? But it's kind of a movie that I want to give all of my attention to. It sounds super good. Way better than that Dr. Strange 2 movie that came out this year. Marvel as a franchise is seriously going downhill recently. It's because their workers aren't unionized. (Gamefreak needs to unionize.)

I just cracked my elbows. You know the good deep kind that's sorta when you push in a big and clunky button? Incredible. Wish I could do that every time, but it wouldn't feel as special then. Sad.

It's crazy how much insight this silly little journal gives into my inner psyche. If I dropped this link onto one of my friends, they would instantly learn so much more about me. And it's so easy to find, too! It's linked directly from my ship! But they're not gonna come check, so I'm safe. Unless you're reading this right now, in case; hey. Are you Mist? Are you a traveler? Grab a sticker on your way out for reading this far. I'll put one at the end once I'm done. I don't want to lose my momentum.

This is way more therapeutic than I thought it would be. I haven't even done anything serious yet. I thought journaling had to be serious! This is actually really fun! Is this why people are always encouraging you to start a journal? God, I'm glad I'm doing this digitally. I would run out of paper, time, and space otherwise.

One Hope is a really good artist. I have my playlist on shuffle right now and his song "midas touch" just came up. Good solid beat. I completely understand what my mom means when she likes a "solid beat". I got her a heracross figure for Christmas. It hasn't arrived yet. I got myself a drifblim figure. It's the first purchase I've made for myself with my debit card, other than the VPN (but I shared that, so it doesn't count as much). Isn't that crazy? I love drifblim. It's a special pokemon to me. I'm going to need to find a special place to put it. Maybe I'll take it everywhere, like a little kid. I'm gonna need a name. I like Mortimer. I named my first drifblim Mortimer. I can call him Morty.

My arms are starting to hurt from typing so fast. Jesus christ, how much have I written so far? Way more than I was expecting. God, this is therapeutic. And also kind of a workout. I need to work out more. I like jazzercising, oddly enough. It's really good cardio. I just get home so late from work that I haven't had the time. But I'm off for two weeks starting in a few days, so I can do that then. I can also work on my sundial then! I wonder if I can bring my sundial over to sexy man's house to work on it while we're playing Persona 5 (Royal) together. I doubt she'd mind, so long as I put down a towel and keep the paper-mache off her floor. ...but it would be kind of hard to lug over, so I'll probably just leave it at home. Maybe instead I'll bring my tablet to work on spritework for DnD or my ship. Probably both! Or maybe I'll coliseum grind! The possibilities are endless.

Just cracked my neck really nicely. Life is good.

It's getting a little late. I do still want to watch something before I go to bed (cozy under the blankets, freshly showered, and with the lights off [of course]). But, like, GOD is my watch later list long. I haven't even touched the surface. I just keep marking more things for later! We don't even talk about my ao3 history! It's even worse! At least I don't have a lot of tabs open on my computer. Ignore the fifty-odd tabs I have open on my phone. Those are neatly organized into categories, OK? Does that drain battery? Oh, god, I bet it does. I bet that's why my phone dies so fast.

I should do something about that. I should clean up all the old tabs I swore I was going to look at and never did.

It's cool how the Ryujinx logo for LDN Multiplayer is purple and dark red. It's like a shiny ryujinx. I looked for a shiny dreepy for two hours yesterday and found nothing. I ended up going with a normal one because I was exhausted and wanted to eat lunch. My bird napped with me the whole time and got dust in the fans. I'm probably going to need to pop the hood and clean them again soon, but I don't mind. He's so soft. Good baby boy ahghsghba bababbyyy abababaybyabyab ababaabauao.

I'm gonna need to bring my ice cream bowl downstairs before I go to bed. How long have I been writing? Long as fuck, I'd bet. I really, REALLY want to write a longfic again. Writing AMOAD was so satisfying. I just need to figure out what to write next.

I promised you a sticker, didn't I? If you made it this far? Well, here you go. I'm off to shower and bury myself under two blankets, because that's the perfect amount. Sweet dreams.

STICKER FOR YOU:

There's errors in my code, but everything seems to be working fine. I got off work today. I don't go back for two weeks. It's a huge relief. I like working, but I need a break, I think. I read "Repeater" the other day! That's the Hildagard fic I was talking about. It was REALLY good. Shame that in smaller pairings like Hildagard, you don't get as many "good" fics. Yeah, there's a lot out there, but none of the vibe I'm looking for. I guess if I really wanted to see it, I'd have to do it myself, but I'm not that invested in Hildagard, so I'll pass.

I have a thousand dollars in savings now. I never thought I'd get to this point. It's kind of crazy.

Uh, Mortimer arrived. The drifblim? He's sitting on top of my computer monitor. I'll have to move him when I let Dio up here-- he's taking Dio's spot-- but when he's not around I can let Mortimer take the throne. It's kind of nice to just look up and see him. (He's smaller than I expected. I love how he fits perfectly on top of my monitor.)

Currently listening to "fic-writing bops" again (even though I'm not writing a fic right now). I wanted something to get me grooving. I'll listen to Heavy Beats again later.

"Momento mori" just came on. It's a very good song, but I doubt it'll come up if you search for it. Maybe I'll link it for you.

I don't feel like I have much to say today. Then again, I thought that last time, too, and I ended up writing 1,629 words. 1,629! If that was fic work, I'd be set. That's like, almost a fourth of a chapter. Impressive.

I really want to read this one specific series again, but I also kind of... don't? It's called "Off to See the Wizard". I keep thinking about it, but I don't know if it was actually good or if I'm just feeling nostalgic. I don't want to spend a lot of money this Christmas, so I'll probably check it out from the library if anything.

Now that I'm off work, I can play DnD more often. I've gotten most of the way through with the Originality (demon god) designs, so I only have a few (wrath and torment) left to finish. They turned out way better than I was expecting, especially Disease, because I gave her digitigrade (?) legs, bird-style, and she looks really good. Mist still has a crush on her. Don't tell her I said this, but I might make her romancable if she really, really tries. It would make her happy.

The one-year anniversary of us finally cutting out that toxic person from our life is coming up. It feels so satisfying.

I'm going to paint my nails tomorrow after I get home from the rescue. Once they dry, I'm going to get started on my sundial. God, am I excited for that sundial. It's my vacation project since I'm not going anywhere. I'll probably work on it most of the time I'm not over at my friend's, playing Persona 5 with her.

Or playing Breath of the Wild. I downloaded it recently, because I caved, and I'm super excited.

I like drawing, I really do, but I'm not professional at it by any means. It's just something I do for fun. But because it's visual, people know me as more of an artist than a writer. Which kind of sucks, because I way prefer writing. I don't think my friends have ever finished anything I've seriously wrote. I hate to dig old dirt up again, but I wish they had. I wish they would.

That's why I like DMing so much. I get to tell a story. They have to listen, whether they like it or not.

Music update: LIEBE is on. If you listen to this one, do it in your headphones.

Some nights I want to listen to ASMR to fall asleep. Other nights I'm too tired to care. I really like ship ambiance and scratching. Even just thinking about it is making me sleepy. It's a really good sensory experience.

Thinking about sensory shit, my friends and I are all neurodivergent. It's pretty funny when we're all together, since we all get each other and we can say stupid shit without getting offended or misinterpreting things. It's nice. I think one of them's coming over tonight, since I'm getting pizza-- free food is free food, and I like her, so I really don't mind. She's cool. Shoutout to sexy man.

I don't know if I'm gonna add bracketing to this entry. It spaces out the last one, but it's... jarring. I'm not going to get rid of it, I just don't like it. Maybe I'll try using paragraph spacing this time instead? That could work.

I feel like I have less to say this time. But that's okay! That's the point, isn't it? Saying whatever's on your mind? I hadn't journaled an entry in a few days (is that the right phrase?) so I wanted to just... put something down, whatever it was.

God, I want to write a longfic so bad. I should start one while I'm off work. If I don't like how it's turning out, I don't have to show anyone.

But what to write?

I want to tackle something heavier. Something with a bit more emotional weight to it. AND I want blood and injury!!! That's my SHIT, man!! Not enough fics have some good, genuine physical violence. I need some of it. Be the change you want to see in the world!!

A royalty AU? That could work. That's a classic. Saves me the time of having to think of some sort of crazy new plot to follow (like I won't do that anyway). And the castle vibe fucks. Oh, but what about explorers? What about castle ruins? Ruined kingdom? That could be just as cool. A dethroned prince fighting for his throne back? Oh god, now I'm getting ideas. I should run these by Mist and see what she thinks.

It's probably not going to be too focused on the romance again, but I could really care less. I love my fantasy plots!! ...but I'll probably throw more romance in there, for the fans. And also because I want to get better at writing it. I like reading it, so I should really square my shoulders, buckle down, and get to work.

If I write that fic, should I cross-post about it here? Would that be... idk, reasonable? Nobody would see it but me. It might be fun to make a themed page around it, though.

I hope Mist does more work on her Duke of the North fanfiction. I want to read about that quadruple-duke polycule. Mist, if you're reading this, you promised.

Talking about fic is really bumping up the character count. God damn!! I had no idea I had this much to say. I must really need to write a fic. Jesus christ. Alright, alright, I'll do it. Eventually.

Yahoo! yipee!! woaaw!! Aren't those fun sounds?

Music Update: Haze. Not as good as Memento mori.

Music Update: Haze just ended. Now we've got Bounce (feat. Hies). THAT'S what I'm talking about!!

I'm gonna format this text and check how it looks. One sec...

Update: it FUCKS. I need to format all of my entires this way from now on. For my own fucking sanity.

I copied the "<\p>" so I can just ctrl+v it at the end of a line, to save time. The first tag I have to type manually, but it's so quick that I don't even mind. God, this formatting is so NICE. I love it.

Do your ears ever itch if you're wearing earbuds for too long? Mine do.

Do you ever get the feeling that you've said to much to a friend, and now they're not interested? I do. Only with my neurotypical friends. With my fellow autistics I can say shit and they don't even blink. It's mutual rambling. Like I'm doing here!

I think I might call it early tonight and go write (or read...?) some fic. God bless ao3.

STICKER FOR YOU:

One of my friends has been struggling with depression recently. I get it-- I was there. For months I completely isolated and ignored Larss and hell even Mist a little bit and I still feel like shit about it. We're closer now but I still don't feel like I can apologize enough.

It's coming up on the one year anniversary of that now and, as much as I hate to admit it, I'm feeling the same things for different people. I know full well I'm exaggerating and my brain is making drama out of nothing, but sometimes I just feel unwanted. Which I know, full well, is stupid. We have different ways we love and show love. I can't expect someone to be there for me all the time, like some sort of robot or AI. That's unreasonable and downright toxic.

I need to force myself to take a step back.

I just... can't stop wanting to do things for her. The way she reacts when I give her a gift or a fic I've written is a kind of reaction I crave like some sort of drug. She's been busy the last couple days taking care of herself and I'm glad, I'm happy she's taking that time to herself, but I miss her.

Which feels stupid, and clingy.

I am not obligated to anyone's time. They owe me nothing. She's just... so different from me and what I'm used to. Which isn't an excuse, I know, and I can't just ask her to change everything about herself to suit my needs. That's unrealistic and toxic. Hell, she's not even doing anything wrong. I just can't stop thinking about before we started talking when I knew I would get like this someday and I didn't know how to handle it. I still don't.

This just happens. My brain makes enemies out of my friends, finds fault with things I love about them, makes me feel sick and tells me to isolate myself as a punishment. To who, I don't know. I know it's probably not better to listen but sometimes I feel like isolating myself is the right thing to do here. I don't know.

Would it be easier if I stopped myself from wanting all the time?

I want to do things that make her happy and help her feel better, but every time I do, I can't help but feel like I'm being some sort of burden. It's just another thing she has to respond to and care about when all she wants to do is lose herself in the things that make her happy on her own. Lately, I've felt like I just get in the way, and I know that's stupid. We're both struggling with things right now, and I can't expect someone's way of healing to include me in it. Sometimes I just feel like what I give isn't reciprocated.

Maybe I should stop talking. I need to get a life and move on. I'm fine most of the day when I'm busy but at night and in the mornings I just want to talk for a little bit, say hello, but by the time I wake up she's already in the middle of something. I've been wanting to respond less and less recently. Maybe I should.

I know she's probably going to read this someday, which is why I'm not telling her that I updated it. Hopefully, when we both look back on this, the grass is greener. The sky is bluer and the weather is warmer and we've settled into a kind of easy familarity that I've managed to achieve with most of my friends. I hope for that every day. That's why I keep trying.

It would feel stupid of me to give up now.

See? This is exactly why I've opted to start journaling my thoughts instead of saying them out loud all the time.

As soon as I left the house I got hit with this... total mental fatigue. I spent the entire day in a sort of daze and barely replied to anyone. My limbs felt like lead. By the time I got to work I was swaying on my feet.

Why is that good, you ask? CAUSE IT EXPLAINS WHY I FELT THE WAY I DID EARLIER!

I know full well that sort of manic, desperate feeling isn't real-- it always goes away, and I'm getting better at controlling it. Now that I'm home and I've eaten and showered I feel markedly more human. All of those feelings from this morning are completely gone.

That's why I journaled instead of talking about it-- cause they're not real. Well-- yeah, they're real feelings, but they don't stem from real issues. I love fucky brain chemistry! It's wild, cause I'll be feeling that way and the rational part of my brain is like hey, can we get over this now, I want to play totk...

Journaling helps. It helps me spit all the irrational stuff out into html instead of at someone. I feel better now.

December is coming up, and I'm planning gifts for everyone. I've got a handful of things picked for each person, including Frog's girlfriend. She's family now, practically.

You can't tell, but there was a ten minute pause between the last line and this one because the toddler fluffed up on my hand and demanded scritches. I obliged, and now I'm tired. Sweet dreams.